if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
