dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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