if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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