mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
