I'm going to jail i love you
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
