I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
