This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
