Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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