my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
