I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
