im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So squirting runs in the family.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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