Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
