A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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