chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
