census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
