i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
