Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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