dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
