she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
third nipple confirmed
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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