I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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