He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
