I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize