we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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