i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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