Just cropdusted the office
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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