I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
