i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So much rum. So many feels.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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