I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
