Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize