I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
