So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
