I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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