why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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