come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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