I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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