the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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