3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
