I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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