He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
