I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
