So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cockslap morals
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
