looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
