you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
