i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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