It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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