you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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