First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
