this boner is exhausting
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
