Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize