I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
