the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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