I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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