The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
