I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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