thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How does one acquire holy water?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
