I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
