i would punch a child for taco bell
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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