Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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