we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
