If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
