Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Please don't give away my fajitas
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
